1 September 1892

Dapitan
From: Jose Rizal
To: Fr. Pablo Pastells

Rizal thanks Fr. Pastells for his gift of a book by Sarda – Replies to Fr. Pastell’s message sent through Fr. Obach of Dapitan – Expresses his opinion frankly and sincerely – “Self-esteem is dignity…” – Thanks him for his advice.

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Dapitan, 1 September 1892

VERY REVEREND FR. PASTELLS

MY EVER ESTEEMED FATHER,

Though I have not had the honor of meriting a letter from Your Reverence, the precious gift that you have deigned to send me through my beloved professor, Fr. Sanchez, and all the lines that you devote to me in your letter to Fr. Obach place me under obligation to write you, for I have no one in Manila whom to ask to thank Your Reverence on my behalf. I have known for a long time the writings of Mr. Sarda for having read them in college and in my humble opinion he is the most skillful polemicist in diffusing in a certain social class the ideas he upholds. You may judge then if his works will be of great value to me. This is with respect to the works themselves, but with regard to their sender, would that the tomes arrive blank, it is enough that Your Reverence had sent them for me to profess them consideration and affection. I only regret that being an exile in a poor town like Dapitan, I have nothing with which to return your kindness, but I hope I shall have an opportunity to do so some day if we shall still be alive and if not, I will say to you like the Bisayos: Dios magbayad! [God repay you!]

Now I take up the lines that Fr. Obach read to me which to me are as interesting as or even more so than your precious gift. They begin thus: “Tell him to set aside the foolishness [majaderias] of looking at his affairs through the prism of his judgment and self-esteem — nemo judex in causa propia [No one is a judge of his own cause]. Here what greatly attracts my attention is not the word majaderias, which I fully deserve though it seems rather strong for the fine pen of Your Reverence. I have been accustomed for some time now to the most acrimonious criticisms and harshest accusations of friends and strangers, of superiors and inferiors, but for Your Reverence to consider majaderia the desire to regard one’s affairs through the prism of one’s judgment and self-esteem, really I cannot see your meaning, I must be mistaken in my interpretation of your words. Though I am completely ignorant of the acts in my life to which Your Reverence refers nevertheless it does not seem to me so censurable for one to look at his affairs through the prism of his own judgment and self-esteem for God must have given these faculties to him for some purpose. Because if we have to do it through another’s prism, besides its being a little impractical, there being as many prisms as there are individuals, we would not know which one to choose; and in choosing we would have to make use of our own judgment, unless we should choose endlessly which will turn out that we would be wise men in one another’s house, they directing our actions and we theirs and everything would be in confusion, unless for the sake of the others we renounce our own judgment and self-esteem, a thing which in my humble opinion is to offend God and to disdain His most precious gifts. And I speak thus because I imagine that when God gave each one the faculty to judge that he possesses, He did what was most convenient and He did not want that he who has less think like the one who has more and vice versa, in the same way that one should not digest with his neighbor’s stomach but rather like perfect machines, varied and adapted to the purpose that He must know, each one ought to consume so much coal in its boiler, to run so many miles and at so much velocity and He should know why He made it thus. The faculty to judge is to me like a lantern that a father gives to each one of his children before their pilgrimage through rugged and tortuous paths. To one who has to pass through dells and precipices He will not give him an oil lamp that will spill; if he has to go through tempests, a lamp with thick glass will protect him; if through inflammable gasses, wire cloth like that of the miners; if the bearer suffers from photophobia, smoked glass, if on the contrary he has cataracts, electric light and especially if he has to go through very dark roads. Unlucky is he who on the road, through caprice or madness, should exchange his lantern for that of another! That each one endeavor to preserve and improve his own; that he may not envy or despise any one, without nevertheless failing to take advantage of the reflections of the others or of the signals and advices that those who have preceded him have left behind them.

With regard to self-esteem, I confess candidly that I have for a long time asked God very sincerely to deprive me of it, but He who knows better what suits us, has left it to me. Now I understand that a man never should be deprived of this sentiment, though it must never be exaggerated. In my opinion self-esteem is the greatest good that God has endowed man with, for his perfection and purity, saving him from many unworthy and base acts when he forgets the precepts he had learned or had been inculcated in him. Precisely for me self-esteem is dignity when it is not passionate and it is moderated by judgment. It is like the sap that impels the tree to turn upward in search of the sun, the force that launches a steamship on its course. To me man is the masterpiece of creation, perfect within his conditions, who cannot be deprived of any of his component parts, moral as well as physical, without disfiguring him and making him miserable.

I do not know how Your Reverence will take these ideas of mine, perhaps as very independent, but I am so, I have been educated thus, and I would offend you if in writing you I should fail to be sincere. I do not believe that they are dictated by pride, nor do I know if I am proud or not. Only God who cannot make a mistake in His judgment will be able to say it.

The letter of Your Reverence continues: “Daring to give him this advice is one who guided his mind in times very much better for him without any exaggeration than the present ones. . .” Your Reverence can and should give me all the advices your good heart may prompt you, for it is the duty of men to help one another and do believe that I will always listen to them with gratitude and attention, weighing each one and reflecting deeply on its meaning, for I esteem greatly all that comes from Your Reverence not only for what you have been to me but also for what you are and I would not want that some day when God should ask me what I had done with your advice I would not be able to reply. With regard to whether those times were better than the present ones, I cannot say so absolutely. I consider myself fortunate to be able to suffer a little for a cause that I believe sacred. I do not accuse myself of any act that humiliates me before my conscience. I admit that at first I was grieved by the change of my fortune, but afterward I consoled myself by thinking of others more just and more worthy who had suffered greater injustices and one cannot make everything run according to his desire. If this is fanaticism, may God forgive me, for however much I search myself I cannot see it thus.

“Whose advice I hope he will receive gratefully inasmuch as they are now the only efficacious redeemers that might return to him his old tranquility as prefect of the congregation of students of 1875 that he now lacks” adds Your Reverence.

Not only now, but always I will receive with pleasure your advice be they redeeming or not, for I always appreciate what is given sincerely, but it depends upon my criterion whether to follow them or not. It is for this reason that one is responsible for his acts, but gratitude always remains underneath! As to tranquility, I believe I have it as ever. Many in truth pity me and regret my fate; many regard me as a fallen tree. Maybe my spirit is to many people what heaven is to observers; pardon me the comparison. Heaven gets clouded, in heaven there is tempest, they say, but in reality it continues the same. It is our atmosphere that is clouded, that becomes tempestuous. Some kilometers higher up absolute calm prevails. I should like to clear the lands of my country; why should it be strange that the reptiles whistle upon seeing themselves thrown out of their burrows, that rocks leap and crush me in their fall? Am I doing wrong? It is possible that I may be mistaken, but if I am, it will never be for selfish interest or egoism.

Now it is another thing with respect to consulting you about my doubts. Willingly I would state here three or four of the many I have, if this letter were not already too long, in the certainty that Your Reverence will give me great light, but I shall leave them for another occasion.

I remain very grateful to Your Reverence for your prayers. I too pray now and then, but really when I do so, it never occurred to me to ask for anything. I believe I have everything and as all that happens to me is His will, I am contented and resigned. Is this oriental fatalism? I do not know, but indeed I always say to myself: I will work and I will do this and that, for God will always have His way. Therefore, forward![1]

03-759 [Reformists]